What It Feels Like To Be High On Adderall, Klonipin, & Heroin | Students Drugs Of Choice In College
Updated: Aug 30, 2019
"I always thought Adderall was my one true love until I met opiates. I felt loved and safe and warm. I felt like it was my friend and I lived for the ritual of getting high."
There is a reason that it took me so long to recover. I didn’t keep using because I loved getting arrested and enjoyed losing all of my friends. I didn’t keep using because I liked looking like shit and missed out on important events. I didn’t keep using because of all the opportunities I willingly gave up and I didn’t enjoy being a slave to a substance. I kept using because I loved the way it made me feel in the moment. No one would become addicted to something that didn’t make them feel better at some point. I chased the high because the way it made me feel was more important than everything else. I’m going to revisit my drugs of choice and explain my relationship to the drug and why it had complete control over my life.
1. Adderall – the word itself has so much power over me. I was at the pharmacy recently and I watched a college aged girl flip out on the pharmacist because they politely told her that it was too soon to refill. She said she would pay out of pocket and they explained to her that they couldn’t fill it with or without insurance. I watched her completely lose it. I sort of smiled on the inside because I could completely relate to this girl’s meltdown. I know what it is like for there to be a barrier between you and your drug. I love that little orange and bright pink pill. They were so cute and perfect. I protected them with my life. I remember when I would proudly march up to the pharmacy line and hand over my prescription. Most people would come back the next day to pick up their prescription, but I would sit there and watch the pharmacist fill it and then run to my car and swallow one. It was so exciting to wait those 15 minutes for it to kick in. I felt powerful having this prescription for what was essentially an acceptable form of cocaine. I felt safe when I had a full bottle of Adderall. I felt like I could do absolutely anything. I loved how I could stay out all night drinking and I definitely loved how skinny I was. I loved feeling like I could go all day and pretend like I was just an energetic person by nature. The truth is I’m not at all, I like to chill and watch tv and eat ice cream by nature. I do have drive and motivation, but it takes a bit of effort with my magic pill. The bottom line is that I love how Adderall makes me feel. Having a bottle of Adderall made me feel invincible. I’ve spent enough time in treatment centers to recognize that amphetamines like Adderall release dopamine making a person feel really, really good. I remember calling my mom after taking a few and despite knowing how messed up my life was at the time I still told her “I’m just so happy!” I liked taking an Adderall and going to a drug store and buying a bunch of cleaning supplies and going to work on my house. I liked taking it and looking up arts and crafts projects and trying to build stuff. I felt creative and artistic. Nothing ever turned out the way it was supposed to, but I had quite the time trying to paint a masterpiece or work on a DIY project. I remember deciding that I could hang a flat screen tv by myself and ended up with giant holes in the wall. I had just as much fun plastering and caulking the holes and painting over it. At the beginning I really liked how Adderall helped me in school. It made it possible for me to write a paper and read through a book in no time. I actually enjoyed reading novels and learning French. I lost about 30 pounds and my grades were better within the first year of taking Adderall so all of this in addition to feeling great meant I had the key to life. I had motivation to accomplish an endless number of tasks and became extremely outgoing and talkative. I felt like I was much more engaging and my authentic self. I was focused, skinny and driven to succeed. I also felt great doing it. I liked being able to sit in the library for hours and feeling like I could accomplish anything. I had absolutely no fear about life because I knew that I had the prescription to success. I loved how my friends were jealous of my nonexistent appetite and how tiny I was. I also loved staying up late and chain-smoking cigarettes. Adderall makes nicotine and the habit of smoking very appealing, so I loved this combination. I also liked taking the drug and playing video games. I have absolutely no interest in video games when I am sober, but Adderall made me very passionate about Mario and Luigi. Adderall made the impossible possible and helped me overlook any issues I was having. I didn’t really have a care in the world. I love Adderall, I always will.
2. Klonopin – For a long time I was an “uppers” person. I wanted to feel productive and constantly move. I wanted to feel like I was accomplishing a lot and feel focused. But like any good drug addict, I eventually started to take way too many pills and began to struggle with sleep and waking up on time. I had a hard time coming off of Adderall in order to get some rest and it always felt like a big crash. I was taking a lot of NyQuil and sleep medications, and they had a lot of negative side effects. My friend gave me a Klonopin to help me relax and just like that, I had a new addition to the family. Klonopin let me keep the high but took the edge off. I could come down from the Adderall without feeling a manic crash and ease into the night. I would take a couple Klonopin to put me to sleep and I felt calm and relaxed. Mixing Adderall, Klonopin some Prozac and a couple shots of vodka was the perfect cocktail for a night out in college (note that it is also the perfect combination for a seizure for individuals with a low seizure threshold like me). Klonopin made me smile and feel like I was super chill and relaxed. It was the perfect way to come down from an endless day of feeling wired. That little yellow pill made me drift away and get some rest. It makes me feel warm and protected and very much okay with anything that is going on around me. I always wanted to feel some sense of control during my using days and Klonopin did just enough to get me high without sending me over the edge. I love all benzos but Klonopin made it possible to still vaguely remember what took place and not drool on myself. I could be present without actually being present at all. I never took a bunch of Klonopin at once, instead I preferred the steady stream of drugs and looked forward to taking the next one and the next one. A couple of Klonopin through the evening was the perfect way to end the day and reward myself for doing absolutely nothing.
3. Opiates – I always thought Adderall was my one true love until I met opiates. I’ve taken opiates throughout my life for different surgeries, but I think I was always too young to recognize or identify the feeling I was experiencing. I did not get hooked on opiates until I had been through rehab a couple of times. I started to see people glorify opiates like heroin and oxycontin. I felt insecure for being in a three-month rehab for something like Adderall or Klonopin. I was surrounded by people injecting heroin into their veins. That seemed much more intense than my silly Adderall/Benzo addiction. I remember being sober for a couple months and finally decided to do something about a tooth that needed to come out. I was “allowed” to take pain medication and I’m not sure what triggered my response besides the fact that I am an addict. I suddenly fell in love with this drug that I had been ignoring all my life. I felt perfect. Opiates were the flawless combination of Adderall and Klonopin. They gave me energy, euphoria, peace of mind and freedom from pain. I could block out anything I was feeling and just smile. I would imagine that heaven is the consistent feeling of opiates running through your veins. I loved filling prescriptions for opiates but eventually realized they were a lot harder to get than Adderall and benzos. You really need a reason to be on opiates long-term, like a broken bone or a terminal illness. I could fake most illnesses, but I couldn’t really convince doctors to prescribe endless amounts of opiates. I started buying pills from dealers, but they were pretty expensive, so I eventually turned to heroin. I never injected heroin, just because I really hate needles. I smoked it and I absolutely loved everything about it. I enjoyed buying the supplies to smoke it and felt giddy and high just from the process itself. Heroin was the perfect addition to my life and made everything right. I liked feeling itchy because I knew it was working. I would sleep with it under my pillow and didn’t want to fall asleep because I wanted to experience the high. I felt such an immense amount of pleasure that at times I was brought to tears. By the time I was using heroin I had experienced a great deal of pain in my life. My brother had passed away from an epileptic seizure, my parents had gotten divorced, I had lost all of my friends and dropped out of college. Heroin allowed me to completely ignore all of these things and live for the next high. It was literally the only thing I needed to live for and made everything else disappear. I felt loved and safe and warm. I felt like it was my friend and I lived for the ritual of getting high. I loved the feeling so much that I kind of forgot about the other drugs that had ruled my life for so many years. Nothing mattered but heroin. I couldn’t stand the moments where I wasn’t high, and I dreaded the 5 minutes after waking up because I had to exist without it. It made everything not only tolerable but enjoyable. I used heroin before going to a funeral and I remember having a pretty good time. Heroin has a rush and you immediately feel the effects. I think that is why I would get so excited when I was chasing down the drug. I knew that I was so close to the perfect feeling. I could go from being so angry when I didn’t have any, cussing and screaming at the person around me to finding out I could get some and turning into a completely different person. I felt like I had a real relationship with heroin, where it absolutely completed me and made all of the physical and emotion pain I had experienced completely disappear. As long as I had that next bag, I knew I was safe and taken care of. It made the unbearable, bearable. Once you have experienced the feeling of heroin, you never forget it. I think that it changed me forever and it is the hardest thing to stay away from when times get tough.
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